


Happy for You

by lesames



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:46:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24565615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesames/pseuds/lesames
Summary: “So how did Charlie take you rooming with Jess?”Alex turns towards him and looks at him like’s an idiot for asking.“There was nothing to take,” Alex says.“So he’s cool with you rooming with your ex?”“Trust me, it’s not Jess he’s worried about.”Zach pauses, scrunching his brows together.
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall, Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 88
Kudos: 307





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work is not edited; I'm more of a reader than a writer. My goal is to update this every Thursday or Friday.  
> Also, if you are inspired to write, please please write more Zalex. I'm thirsting for them.

Zach watches as Alex grabs Charlie’s hand, a grimace threatening to surface from underneath the smile he forces. Alex’s face is filled with a lightness he has never seen before. That’s just it, isn’t it? The weight of all the secrets they kept pressed down on their shoulders, making it impossible for them to breathe. And maybe Zach is a fool, but he thought he would be the one to make Alex smile freely. But how could a self-proclaimed lost cause like him have done that?

He is shaken from his thoughts by Winston’s arrival. Beneath the strong face he puts on, Zach could tell that the boy was struggling to contain the flood of emotions inside of him. A part of Zach resents Winston for dredging up the past, threatening him and his friends, but Zach also understands the pain he must have been in. Plus, he felt an affinity with the guy. He knows that Winston was being sincere when he said he loved Alex.

As Alex left the café with Winston, he, Charlie, and Ani stay silent. They have made their peace the best they could with the possibility that the truth will come out. Instead of fear, all Zach can feel is hollowness inside his chest as he watches Alex hug Winston. There is an irrational part of him that wants all of Alex’s affection to himself. He doesn’t want to share his friend, not with Winston, not with Charlie, not with anybody. He doesn’t want to think too hard about what that means.

When Alex comes back inside, Zach lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

* * *

Zach finishes loading the last of Alex’s boxes onto the truck. He makes his move to the driver seat, giving Charlie and Alex some space to say goodbye. He can’t make out what they’re saying, but Charlie has his arms around Alex’s waist and he leans in for a kiss. Zach pulls his gaze away and forces himself to look ahead.

He feels the weight of the van shift when Alex climbs into the seat next to him. The boy has a frown running across his face. Zach figures he doesn’t want to leave Charlie.

“You ready?” he says.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Alex replies.

Zach starts the engine and drives off. He is grateful that the San Francisco College of Music is just across the water from Berkeley. He can’t really imagine not being close to Alex.

“So how did Charlie take you rooming with Jess?”

Alex turns towards him and looks at him like’s an idiot for asking.

“There was nothing to take,” Alex says.

“So he’s cool with you rooming with your ex?”

“Trust me, it’s not Jess he’s worried about.”

Zach pauses, scrunching his brows together.

“What do you mean?”

Alex sighs. “He thinks you were being serious about enjoying that horribly awkward kiss we had,” Alex replies, his face turned towards the windows and away from Zach. He sees a flush creeping up Alex’s neck.

Zach chooses his words carefully. “Aww, come on. I know I’m a total stud, but I wouldn’t break the bro code like that.”

Alex turns towards him and rolls his eyes. “And not to mention you’re straighter than a fucking ruler.” Zach turns his head and stares at Alex.

He continues, “He’s just being paranoid because he thinks I have a thing for jocks.”

“Well, do you, Standall?”

Alex snorts. “God no. My brother on the other hand can’t stop gushing over Charlie.”

Zach lets out a laugh. Alex is looking at him with the corners of mouth drawn upwards and his eyes reflecting sunlight. Zach feels warmer than before, despite cool air blasting out from the vents.

* * *

Zach scans the apartment. It is small, but the windows let in a lot of light. Maybe it would look more spacious when everything is unpacked.

They unload the last of Alex’s boxes. Zach has hardly broken a sweat, but Alex tires more easily. The other boy is sprawled out on the couch, head tossed back and eyes closed. Zach just stands there and looks at him. He follows the movement of Alex’s chest, up and down like ripples on a lake. His hair is bathed in the reddish orange light of dusk. Zach thinks about how nice it’d be to run his fingers through Alex’s hair.

He coughs. “Are you really okay with me crashing here until my dorm opens?”

Alex turns to look at him. “Why wouldn’t I be? Jess won’t be here until next week anyway.”

“What is she doing in Seattle again?”

“Nothing really. She just wants to spend as much time with her family as possible. She’s flying in the night before orientation.”

Zach thinks about his own family. He hasn’t gotten along with his mom for the longest time, but the video call he had with his sister made him miss her even more. She made him promise to visit her at boarding school during fall break.

He snaps out of his thoughts and focuses back on the other boy. “You hungry? I saw a Thai place around the corner.”

“Starving.” The other boy gets up from the couch, swinging his legs off first before ungracefully pushing himself up. “I can go for some noodles right now.”

Zach smiles. He all but drags Alex outside the doors and down the stairs.

* * *

Zach likes the area where Alex is living. It’s on a direct route from his campus. He figures that once he gets his car up here, he can be over to Alex’s in less than half an hour.

“There are so many rainbow flags here,” Alex says. “Every storefront seems to have one.”

“Isn’t that awesome?”

“It’s… I don’t know how to feel about it.”

Zach turns towards Alex. “What do you mean?”

“It’s just, I don’t know the first thing about being not-straight you know? I spent most of my life never thinking about it.”

This prompts Zach to ask, “When did you realized you were… gay? Bi?”

Alex looks ahead as he speaks. “I don’t know if I’m gay. I guess I might be bi. It wasn’t like I was going out looking for guys to fuck, you know? First, Winston makes a move on me. I guess that stirred my interest. Then Charlie kissed me.”

“How about me? You kissed me before you started dating Winston, right?”

“I already told you that it was because I felt safe around you.”

Alex’s words made him feel a twinge of something that he can’t identify. “Do you find me, you know, attractive?” he asks, only half-kidding.

Alex groans and places his palms over his face. “Oh my god, I’m not going to feed your ego. Go download Grindr or something if you want attention from dudes.”

Zach laughs. “To be honest I’m not really sure I’d ever given much thought to not being straight either.” Zach knows what it’s like to spend most of his life not questioning what his life was supposed to look like. It took Bryce fucking up his knee to make him reexamine that.

“Well, I guess that’s generally what it’s like to be straight. You don’t question until you do, and then you might not be completely straight anymore. Then comes all of the questions.”

Zach thinks about that. Thinks about the questions that come to his mind when he replays the kiss in his head. He would be lying if he says he hasn’t thought about it. It’s hard not to when he’s around Alex and his eyes drift down the other boy’s lips every so often. But he doesn’t want to think about what that might say about him. Alex is his best friend and he doesn’t want to jeopardize what they have. He doesn’t trust himself to not fuck up another friendship because of his mixed-up feelings. Not to mention that Alex has Charlie now and despite his less than stellar moral record, he doesn’t want to do anything that would hurt either of them.

Alex taps the top of his head. “Penny for your thoughts, Dempsey?”

Instead of telling Alex any of that, he just says, “What questions did you mean?”

“Um, I don’t know,” Alex replies, suddenly no longer interested in looking at Zach.

“Come on Alex,” he coaxes.

“Fine. Like, what if I am not really into guys you know?”

“Shouldn’t you know if you’re into guys or not?”

“I… I love Charlie,” Alex replies, and Zach swallows a lump in his throat. “But we haven’t … we haven’t slept together yet.”

Zach’s eyes go wide. “You mean you’re a gay virgin?”

Alex groans and shoves Zach’s shoulders. Zach puts up his hands in surrender.

“I’m kidding, man. You know it’s perfectly alright to not want sex.”

“I don’t have a problem with sex. It’s just… how I do know if it’s what I want? I don’t want to hurt Charlie if I can’t, you know, get it up.”

He stops walking and places his hands-on Alex’s shoulders, forcing the other boy to look at him. “You’re not broken. It doesn’t matter if you can’t get an erection.”

“Alright dad,” Alex responds sarcastically.

“Charlie’s a good guy. He would understand if you’re not ready.”

“I just don’t want to sleep with Charlie and realize he isn’t… you know, the right one for me?”

Zach scrunches his eyebrows. “What’s going Alex? I didn’t think you believed in romantic stuff like soulmates or anything.”

“I don’t. I just want to know for sure. I thought I really loved Jess. But then I wasn’t right for her. I just want to be sure I’m right for Charlie.”

“What if you don’t need to know? What if you just do what feels good and right to you?”

Alex stares at him with a look that makes him feel exposed.

“I can’t just do the things that feel good or right to me.”

“And why not?”

“Don’t be dumb, Zach.”

“No, tell me.”

Alex crosses his arms and huffs. “Because sometimes what feels good or right to me might not be good or right for the other person.” He turns away from Zach, refusing to meet his eyes.

“Hey dude, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Alex sighs and starts walking again. “Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me that’s fucked up.”

Despite Alex’s words, Zach feels like he did do something wrong. Alex might not be ready to be with Charlie, but that doesn’t mean he wants Zach anymore. And even if he did, Zach’s not sure he wants to lead Alex on when he knows he can’t be the guy that Alex needs. Not when he hasn’t sorted through the mess inside of his own head.

Instead of protesting Alex’s words, Zach just nods and lets the matter drop. It’s only a few more minutes until they reach the restaurant. He opens the door for Alex. As the other boy walks by him, he smells a familiar mix of ocean and something sweeter, like eating taffy on the beach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for grammar, clarity, and style.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like s4 set it up so that Zach is still confused about how he feels towards Alex, and also uncertain about whether he deserves Alex's love. So I played off this muhaha >:)

Zach’s face heats up as Alex slurps the spicy noodles into his mouth. The way his lips purse around the strand is obscene. Zach looks down at his own plate and realizes he has already finished the fried rice. He’s quickly trying to think of somewhere, anywhere, to focus on besides Alex. To save himself from inappropriate thoughts, he waves over the waiter. “Hey, could I order some mango and sticky rice?”

The waiter nods and refills the water before walking away.

“Oh my god, you’re ordering dessert already?” Alex teases.

He shrugs. “What can I say, I’m a big guy.”

Alex snorts. “You sure are.”

Zach knows that Alex doesn’t mean to sound like he’s flirting, but his ears heat up nonetheless. He’s grateful that his blush isn’t noticeable underneath his tan skin.

Alex has barely eaten half of the noodles. Zach resists the urge to feed him the broth. “So uh, how’s the khao soy?”

Alex licks his lips before responding, and Zach almost forgets the question. “It’s really good. Thanks for recommending it.”

“Yeah, it was one of my favorite dishes when I visited Thailand. It was too spicy for May though,” he says, eyes crinkling when he thinks about how May chugged an entire glass of tea after taking her first slurp of the fiery broth.

“How is your sister doing?”

“She made a new friend in her English class. Apparently, her new friend has bleached blond hair and a rage-against-the-world attitude. I don’t know how much of a rebel you can be in boarding school though.”

Alex laughs. “Remember when I had bleached blond hair?”

“Who wouldn’t? You looked like you were wearing an eggshell on your head.”

Alex throws a napkin at him and Zach squats it away. He continues, “Honestly I think May is enjoying the time she spends away from my mother.”

“Who wouldn’t,” Alex says. “No offense.”

“None taken. Me and her haven’t exactly been on good terms after my fuck up the past year.”

“I’m sorry,” Alex says, his voice soft.

“Nah dude, it’s alright. I don’t think me and her have ever seen eye-to-eye. I think her desire for a golden child went up in flames after I broke my leg.” Zach doesn’t think about how his mother still looks at him like he’s a stranger. It’s true that he didn’t make the best decisions in the past year, but he wonders if he would have felt so lost if his whole life wasn’t planned out so meticulously.

“That’s not fair to you.”

“Actually, it wasn’t just her that had expectations. I spent so much of my life trying to do the right thing, be the right person, all because I felt like I couldn’t let my family down. I put those expectations onto myself.”

Alex puts down his chopsticks and frowns. “That’s bullshit. Not letting someone down doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to be someone else.” Alex is gripping the tablecloth. “Zach, you know I love you for you right?”

Zach’s breath hitches.

“I mean, you’re my best friend. I don’t care about whatever expectations you had or still have for yourself. I just like you for you.”

Alex can’t hide the flush on his face. Zach just sits there, words caught in his throat. Alex goes on, “I know this stuff is mushy...”

Zach doesn’t think when he reaches across the table and grabs Alex’s hand. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Sitting there gaping like a fish, they just stare at each other in silence.

Whatever moment they’re having ends when the waiter places the dessert on the table. “One mango sticky rice. Do you guys need anything else?”

Zach jerks his hand away from Alex’s.

“Uh,” he says without any finesse, muttering “do you want anything” to Alex.

“I’m okay. We’ll just share. Can I get a container for this?”

“Alright, I’ll bring you guys the check then.”

As the waiter walks away, Zach manages to string together a coherent response. “Thank you for saying that. I, uh, I really appreciate it.”

Alex smiles. He never expected to have someone besides his sister look at him without judgment, especially for all the fucked-up shit he’s done. “So, you couldn’t finish your noodle, huh?” he says, changing the subject.

“Shut up. Not all of us have a trash compactor inside their stomach.”

Now it’s Zach’s turn to throw a napkin. It hits Alex square on the forehead and he frowns like a grumpy cat before flipping Zach off.

Alex digs into the sticky rice, scooping it up into his mouth. He lets out a small groan that nearly makes Zach choke.

“You and your sweet tooth. Save some of that for me!”

Alex goes for the plate, holding it away from the table and Zach. “Nope it’s all mine!”

“Fine, but I’m eating your noodles!”

“Only if you want to die in your sleep!” They both break out in laughter, eyes welling up with tears. Alex places the plate back on the table. Zach grabs a spoon and takes a bite, but his eyes are still looking into Alex’s. Although he’s still figuring out the lines in their friendship, the pure happiness he feels right now is just one more thing on a long checklist of things that tells him he loves Alex. He’s just not sure what that means.

The waiter walks over and places the check in front of Zach.

“What the fuck,” Alex grimaces. “Why did they give you the check?”

Zach laughs. “I guess they must think I’m the man in this relationship.”

“You’re an idiot,” Alex scoffs. “But seriously, that’s so stereotypical.”

“Why?”

“They’re assuming that just because I’m smaller than you, I must be in the subservient role.”

“Because I’m a jock and you’re a twink or whatever? Maybe they just sensed that I’m a top.”

Alex’s eyes widen. “First of all, how do you even know that word? Second, fuck that. I could totally top you.” Zach’s eyes go wide.

“What!”

Alex throws another napkin at him, hitting him in the eyes. “Dumbass.”

Zach lets out a nervous laugh. He’s trying to not think about Alex on top of him.

* * *

When they’ve made it back to the apartment, Alex goes to drop off the leftovers in the fridge. Zach walks over to the router and checks the wifi password on the sticky note attached to it. It reads, “happy4u”.

“Dude, your wifi password is seriously weak. Why don’t you use a password generator or something?”

Alex turns around. “What?”

“Happy for you?” Zach replies.

Alex looks like a deer in the headlights. Zach senses that something is up.

“What does it mean?”

“Uh, nothing really. It’s just easy to remember. TBI, remember?”

Now Zach feel like an asshole for bringing it up. “Did you get it from a song or something?”

Alex plants himself on a chair and shifts around like he’s uncomfortable. “Yeah, it’s from a song.” Something is definitely up.

Zach makes his way to the couch and spreads his arm over the backrest. “This is a nice place you guys got here.”

“Yeah, for the price we’re paying it has to be nice. There aren’t a lot of affordable apartments with elevators around here, and this one is furnished.”

“That’s why I’m staying in a dorm.”

“Do you know who your roommate is yet?” Alex asks.

“No clue. The guy I was supposed to room with accepted a place off a waitlist somewhere else.”

“What if you get like a stalker or something? And he does weird stuff like steal your underwear?”

“Well thank you for putting that idea into my head. Seriously Standall, why do you even think about stuff like that?”

Alex turns away from Zach and coughs. “Um, dad’s a cop. Stop grilling me, I’m just looking out for you.” He gets up from the chair and walks over to Zach, falling into the spot on his left.

“You wanna watch a movie or something?” he asks. Zach nods.

“Let me grab my laptop,” Zach says, getting up from the couch to dig it out from inside his backpack. “What are you in the mood to watch?”

“Something scary?” Alex gets up from the couch and walks over to the kitchen. “I think I saw some microwave popcorn in a drawer somewhere. I should probably buy some food and kitchen stuff soon.”

“So, you and Jess aren’t on the meal plan?”

“You mean the ‘bleed students dry for inedible meatloaf’ plan? Yeah no I’d rather make my own food.”

Zach scrunches his brows in confusion. “But you don’t know how to cook?”

Alex snorts. “Well, yeah, I’ll just get ramen or something.” Zach is alarmed.

“Dude, I’m not letting you eat ramen and junk food. Last time I checked, kitkats and fritos are not a food group.”

“What else I am supposed to eat? I can’t do take out everyday.”

“I’ll come over and cook.”

Alex crosses his arms and glares at him. “You’re not cooking for me Dempsey. Don’t you have classes and homework and shit to deal with?”

“Yeah, but I still have to eat.”

Alex shakes his head in resignation. “Fine, but you’re not paying for my groceries.”

“How about we split it then? I wouldn’t want to eat you out of your house. How about we get groceries for the week tomorrow?”

Alex nods and turns back around to microwave the popcorn.

Zach starts browsing Netflix. He’s not the biggest fan of horror movies, but he’ll endure it for Alex. He does make sure to click on the least scary looking covers though. He finds one about a doll. How scary can that be?

“How do you feel about Annabelle?”

Alex raises his eyebrows. “If you can handle it, Dempsey.” He walks over with the bowl of popcorn and plops down next to Zach.

Forty minutes into the movie, Zach is regretting his choice. He’s squirming in his seat.

Alex starts laughing.

“Don’t mock me!”

“I just don’t get how you can be such a scaredy-cat. You can take on an entire football team.”

“Hey, I fight people, not demons.” The universe must hate him because right after the words leave his mouth, the doll comes to life and starts attacking people. He jumps back into his seat and shields his face.

Alex is full-blown laughing. “You’re like the stereotype of taking someone to a scary movie just to make out in the theater,” he says as he wipes tears from his eyes. “You should put that on your dating profile. I’m a big scaredy-cat who’ll make out with you to avoid looking at the screen.”

Zach shoves Alex. “Haha, asshole. I don’t even have a dating profile.”

“Why don’t you?”

“I don’t want one.”

Alex looks at him like he has two heads. “Dude, you’re a guitar playing singer-songwriter. You would clean up in San Francisco.”

Zach shifts so that he’s lying with his back against the armrest on the opposite side of Alex. One of his legs is dangling over the couch while the other is buried behind the other boy.

“I don’t think I’m ready to start dating again. I don’t exactly have the best track record with dating people.”

Alex turns towards him, lifting his legs onto the couch and bending his knees to his chest. “You don’t have to date if you’re not ready, but don’t let it be because you think you suck at it.”

Zach scoffs, unable to quell the flare of irritation that bursts out. “Well, not everyone can be the perfect boyfriend like Charlie.”

Alex frowns. “Charlie’s not perfect.”

Zach snorts. “I don’t know if you two realize that you guys are the cutesiest couple in Evergreen. Seriously it’s so sweet I’m surprised people don’t just barf around you.”

Alex rolls his eyes. “Charlie is really sweet. And I guess that’s good for me.” He looks like he has more to say.

“But?” Zach asks.

“Sometimes it feels like I’m holding myself back from accepting his love. He’s just so open about it, you know?”

“And you’re not,” Zach replies, not as a question but as a statement.

“No, I’m not. I feel like we speak different languages when it comes to showing affection.”

“We all show affection in different ways, Standall. Me, I’m a hugger. You, well, you’re like a cat. No one knows you like them until you just go up and rub up against them.” Alex groans.

“Seriously though, I’m sure Charlie knows you love him,” he says, without a doubt in his mind. It hurts him to admit it, but he knows Alex wouldn’t even try to be around anyone unless he likes them.

“Yeah, but sometimes… sometimes I just don’t know if I’m doing enough. What if I don’t deserve that kind of love?”

Zach takes a deep breath. “You deserve someone like Charlie. I can see it in his face. He worships your existence.”

Alex shakes his head. “When he looks at me, it’s like he’s seeing the best in me. Which, don’t get me wrong, makes me feel like I can be that person. But there’s another part of me that hates it. I just wished I could be a mess around him too.”

“That’s not true,” Zach replies. “The reason he looks at you like that isn’t because he doesn’t expect you to not be a mess. He just sees you for what’s underneath all of that.”

“How would you know, Zach?”

There’s a lot that Zach wants to say in response. He wants to say that he knows because he sees it too. He wants to say he knows because he feels the same way. But instead, he hides his feelings behind his cowardice. “Trust me, no one who’s around you for more than ten minutes would expect your to not be a mess.”

“Oh gee, thanks,” Alex says sarcastically.

“I just mean, no one who knows you and what you’ve been through will force you to act like you’re not affected. It doesn’t mean they love you any less for it.”

“And what about you then?” Alex retorts. “None of us have had a smooth ride with dating. Why would you let that hold you back from finding someone?”

Zach pauses and looks down. “Maybe it’s because I already found someone, but I missed my chance.”

Alex draws his legs closer and hugs his arms around his body, like he’s making himself smaller. “I’m sorry about Chloe.”

Zach looks up, a bit startled. He swallows. “Yeah, I am too.” He knows full well he wasn’t thinking about Chloe.

“Remember what you told me?” Alex asks.

“What?”

“That we have to go on living.”

“I am,” he replies. Or he thinks he is, the best that he can.

“I think we’re both still holding ourselves back,” Alex says.

Zach’s not sure what Alex means by that, but he can’t stop a small bit of hope from blossoming. “What… what are you saying?”

For a moment, Alex doesn’t say anything. He just looks at Zach, sadness in his eyes. The air around them feels charged. Alex takes a breath, his body tense. Then he lets out a sigh and his shoulders deflate. “I think we both need to let go of the past. You have to let go of Chloe and find someone who you love. And I need to let go… let go and accept Charlie’s love.”

Zach feels his heart sink. There’s a thin layer of moisture forming over his eyes. “Yeah,” he chokes out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "happy for you" is in reference to the final episode of S2, where Alex tells Zach about his masturbation...  
> Edited for grammar, clarity, and style.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't stop writing, but now I really have to focus on my exams :( The next update likely won't be until next week, but until then, please enjoy this chapter of Zach's reflections and steamy sequences >:)

Zach crashes on the bed in Jess’s would-be room. He’s covered it with his own sheets, but without pillows, Zach is finding it hard to sleep. He likes to have something in his arms while he dozes off.

Instead of sleeping, he just lies there thinking about the day. Moving stuff into the truck from his house had been uneventful. His mom wasn’t there to see him off, something about a ‘big meeting at work.’ He doesn’t know if she was lying to him, but he finds that he doesn’t care either.

As he gathered his clothes, his guitar, and a framed picture of May, he found that there wasn’t much else to pack up. His entire life looked pitifully empty piled up in the corner of the truck. He didn’t look back as he drove off and felt nothing but relief as he put the past behind him. The house had stopped feeling like his home long ago.

When he got to Alex’s, the other boy was standing outside on the corner, waving at him. He smiled and waved back before getting out to greet Alex with a hug. Inside, his family and Charlie were waiting. Although Alex protested, no one let him lift a finger. Instead, Alex just stood around looking uncomfortable with all the fuss over him. Mrs. Standall couldn’t stop hugging Alex and crying the entire time. Charlie was about to burst into tears at any moment too.

He remembers feeling a sense of melancholy when he carried the boxes from Alex’s room down the hallway of the Standall’s home. He had spent so much time hanging with Alex there. That is, until the past year when because of his fuckery, he and Alex more or less stopped hanging out altogether. If he could go back in time, he would stay true to his word to spend more time with the other boy.

Zach was happy to drive up with Alex to Berkeley. Charlie wanted to come up too, but there was only room for two people on the truck. Charlie offered to drive his car up, but Alex told him to hold off visiting until fall break. Zach felt a little guilty, but not enough to suppress the joy that swelled up in him at the thought of spending a week with just him and Alex.

The drive to Berkeley had been easy. In between banter, he and Alex fell into comfortable silence, lulled by the beauty of the coastline. It was a longer drive than the highway, but Zach had convinced Alex that the scenery would be worth it.

Driving alone with Alex felt right, felt like he didn’t need anything else to be happy as long as the other boy was by his side. But the drive also brought on more questions. Being close to Alex forced him to confront the feelings he had been ignoring since the kiss.

The kiss… Alone in bed and unable to sleep, he can’t ignore the thoughts anymore. He runs a finger along his lips, retracing the memory of the other boy’s mouth. He’s not so deep in denial as to believe that the way he loves Alex is just friendly. But he’s also not sure what kind of love it is.

He let Alex believe that he was still hung up on Chloe, unable to tell him the truth. He would be lying if he said there wasn’t a part of him that did love her. But when he kissed her at the party, he had something to prove to himself. He just wanted to stop all the doubts in his head since Alex kissed him. He has never been attracted to men before. And he still doesn’t think he is attracted to men per se. He has spent most of his school life around other guys, shared locker rooms with them, but none except Alex has ever caught his eye. But he hadn’t loved any of those guys either, at least not in the way he loves Alex.

If he’s being honest, his confusion didn’t start with the kiss either. Spending so much time with Alex after his recovery had awaken something in him that he didn’t know was there. It started with the touches. His hands were constantly on Alex, helping him regain his range of motions, holding him when he raged out against the world.

At first, he denied that what he was feeling could be sexual. He told himself that he just felt protective over Alex, just wanted to make the other boy smile now and then. And sure, sometimes when he thought about what it’d be like to run his hand over Alex’s skin, he told himself it wasn’t the same hurried lust he felt towards women. It also wasn’t like he had a lot of experience with love to compare it to what he felt for Alex either.

The only thing that came close was… was Hannah. Somewhere along the way, what he and her had turned into something more than just sex. He just liked being around her. He didn’t feel like he had to try so hard or be anyone else for her to like him. He doesn’t think he will every fully forgive himself for not standing up for her when it counted. And deep down, he knows that his failure to keep her safe was what pushed him to do better for Alex, the reason why he stuck by the boy during his recovery.

What he didn’t expect was that with Alex, he would be wanting what he had with Hannah again. He wants the easy companionship, the intimacy, but without the burden of expectations on them. He scoffs at the last thought. For all he’s done since to try to be a better friend, he still hasn’t stopped being a coward when it comes to love. He still cares about what people would think of him if he declared his love for another boy. And if he isn’t brave enough to love Alex openly the way he deserves, he doesn’t want to ruin what they already have by doing something that he’d regret. Not when he failed so miserably the last time the occasion arose.

Nonetheless, he’s a hypocrite. He still can’t stop his heart from flinching in pain every time sees Alex with Charlie, even if he has no right to.

Sighing, he closes his eyes and lets the darkness cover him.

* * *

Zach is alone in the locker room shower. He rubs his hands over his face and his back, letting the warmth of the water and the steam relax the ache of his muscles. He takes advantage of being alone by running his hand down towards his groin, lathering with body soap that smells like seashells and vanilla. Bracing himself against the shower with one hand, he puts his other hand to use and runs his fingers along his shaft, grunting with every stroke.

He jerks when a door slams, stopping what he’s doing and turns around. “Hello?” he calls out.

Someone walks into the room, but he can’t make out who it is through the thick steam. The stranger comes closer to him.

“Who are you?” he asks. He gets no response. Instead, he’s slammed against the wall, arms pushed above his head. He doesn’t feel the force of the impact, the wall just gives out from under him and he falls through. He’s no longer in the showers, but on a bed facing a window. He is still naked, but he’s no longer wet. The sheets underneath him are silky to the touch.

The stranger is straddling him, but he can’t see anything except their outline in the sunlight. He should be scared, but he’s not. He should try to break to free, but he does not want to. Hands roam over his skin and a warm breath ghosts over his lips. He gives in and opens his mouth, breathing in the stranger above him. His tongue dances against the stranger’s and he drowns in the taste. Zach arches up towards the kiss, running his hands along the curve of a smooth back. The skin underneath his touch is warm and firm. They rub against each other, skin vibrating in sync.

Fingers trace his face from his lips to his chin, before making their way down to the center of his chest. He feels them circling his nipples, pinching them with a gentle pressure that sends ripples of pleasure throughout his body. He squeezes his eye shut. A hand then drifts down his abdomen and tugs at the light dusting of hair on his lower stomach. It doesn’t stop there. He gasps when he feels the stroke of a finger running along the length of his shaft from the base to the tip. It moves slowly at first, but picks up speed until it settles into a rhythm that has him moaning along. He’s coming undone, edging closer and closer to…

“Zach!” calls a familiar voice. He opens his eyes. The face above his shifts into view, greeting him with blue eyes he would know anywhere.

He pulls the other boy down for a kiss, taking advantage of a gasp to push inside. There’s a pause, but for a split second, he feels a tongue moving against his before he’s pushed away.

He hears, “What the fuck, Dempsey!” before he’s smacked by a towel across his face.

Acting on instinct, he grabs the towel and pulls down his attacker with it. They end up in a tangle of limbs, with Zach on top and pinning the other boy down. He’s shaken from his sleepy stupor by the action.

“Alex?...” he asks, confused about what just happened.

“Dude, why the fuck were you kissing me?”

“…what?” he mumbles, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Uh, you stuck your tongue in my mouth?” Alex replies. Zach sobers up at that moment. He was dreaming.

“I thought it was a dream,” he says.

Alex, however, just squints and looks at him with a disgruntled expression. “So you assaulted my mouth because you thought I was just a dream?”

“It wasn’t you in my dream,” Zach says. He isn’t technically lying; he didn’t know it was Alex until he woke up.

“Oh,” Alex says. “Well?”

“Well what?”

“You’re still on top of me. And you’re poking me.” Zach looks down. He jumps off the bed like he had just been burnt.

“I’m… I’m sorry,” he says, face flushing.

“It’s cool dude. I poked you with mine, you poke me with yours. An eye for an eye,” Alex says.

“You’re such an asshole Standall,” he replies, hands rubbing his face in embarrassment.

“Uh, Zach…”

“What?”

Alex’s eyes trail downwards. Zach follows the boy’s gaze and realizes he’s naked. Not to mention, he’s still hard. “Uh, I’ll go put something on.” He grabs a towel and his sweats and rushes to the bathroom.

“Brush your teeth too! You have morning breath!” Alex yells. If he weren’t so preoccupied with getting out of the room as fast as he could, he would have noticed that the other boy was as red as a tomato and panting.

In the bathroom, Zach rinses his face and shoves a toothbrush into his mouth. He turns the water on, but realizes he forgot his body wash in his duffel bag. He makes his way back to the bedroom, but before he enters, he hears grunting. Confused, he pushes the door slightly ajar.

Peaking inside was a bad idea. Alex is stroking himself on the bed, back arched and eyes shut tight. His hips move up and down with each stroke. Alex takes one of his hands and sticks it in his mouth, sucking his fingers like a popsicle before moving the wet hand to his groin.

Zach is desperately hard again, and it takes all his will to pull himself away and give the other boy privacy.

When he gets into the shower, he switches the water from warm to cold. No matter how much the image of Alex touching himself burns into his mind, and no matter how much that makes his blood run hot like lava, he would rather freeze his ass off than jerk off to other boy. This was a line that he didn’t want to cross, at least not when it’s under his conscious control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just edited for grammar, clarity, and style.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took longer than the others to write, because after the steamy dream sequence and accidental voyeurism of the last chapter, I was having a hard time figuring out how to write the feels. Also, this chapter switches POV to Alex's to explore his thoughts on what's happening. Muhahahaha....

When he comes to his senses, Alex is lying in a pool of sweat, bangs sticking to his forehead. His shirt is hitched up just to his ribs, revealing a flat expanse of skin that is slicked wet from a mix of sweat and cum. His shorts are pulled down to his thighs. He hastily pulls them back on and runs to his room, shutting the door and sliding down against it.

“Fuck,” he mutters. When Zach kissed him, when he pinned him down with his arms and pressed into him with the expanse of his stomach and the hardness of his groin, Alex had mustered all his resolve to not break apart. As he sits there staring at the sticky mess on his hands, a wave of shame overcomes him. He’s never been good at ignoring his problems, but what he just did just confirms how fucked he is. He feels dirty, like a creep.

While he and Charlie hadn’t exactly talked about the rules of their relationship, he nonetheless feels like he’s broken Charlie’s trust in some way. Charlie, his sweet, kind boyfriend. A wave of nausea wracks him. Alex is too tired to keep any more secrets.

He pulls out his phone, and with shaky fingers, he texts Charlie. He tosses it aside and buries his head between his legs.

When he hears footsteps and the slamming of a door, Alex makes his way into the bathroom. He avoids looking at himself in the mirror when he strips out of his clothes and into the shower. The tiles beneath him are cool to the touch. The shower, like the bed sheets he jerked off on, smells like Zach. He inhales instinctively.

He turns on the water, letting it run hot over his body as he scrubs it red. He closes his eyes and tries not to think of silky hair and sun-kissed skin, but he hasn’t been any good at burying his feelings. He thought that after the kiss, after being let down gently by Zach, that his feelings would fizzle out. But it has only gotten stronger, morphing from a crush into something slower and deeper.

He can’t put Zach into an awkward position again, nor can he face the inevitable pain of another rejection by the taller boy. And he doesn’t want to hurt Charlie, at least not anymore than he already has. He knows what he has to do. He has to swallow what he feels and pretend. He shuts off the water and takes a deep breath. You can do it, he tells himself.

In his room, he towels his hair and toss on a clean pair of jeans and a sweater. He grabs his keys and shuts off his phone and leaves it on the nightstand.

In the kitchen, Zach is leaning against the fridge, head hunched over a phone. His brows are scrunched together.

“Hey,” Alex says, and the other boy promptly puts the phone away and looks up.

“Morning Alex,” he says, with a smile so big that Alex wants to map out how its entire expanse. Zach walks up to him, throwing an arm around his shoulder and handing him a paper cup with the other. “I got you the most sickenly sweet espresso they had at the café down the block.”

Alex takes a sip. “Thanks.”

Zach slides his arm off his shoulders and steps in front of him. “Sorry about this morning. I didn’t mean to, you know, assault you in my dreams.”

“It must have been a good dream.”

“Probably top five for me. The kiss wasn’t so bad either,” he adds, jabbing Alex with his elbow.

Alex forces himself not to blush. “Probably top twenty for me,” he responds.

Zach laughs, deep and rich. “You’re a riot, Standall,” head shaking. “I got us a car,” he continues. “I thought we could run some errands, get what you need for your apartment and groceries?”

“How did you get a car?” Alex asks, brows raised.

“I have my ways.”

“You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“You think so little of me,” the other boy says, hands over his heart and face contorted in mock hurt. His charade doesn’t last long before he breaks into a smile. “I have a zipcar account.”

“That’s cool. Where do you want to go?”

“I was googling earlier and there’s a Korean supermarket I’d like to check out. You down?”

“Sounds good to me.”

They make their way to the elevator. Alex clicks on the call button, following Zach into it when it comes. As they wait, Zach’s phone vibrates. After ten seconds or so, he asks the other boy, “Are you going to answer that?”

“It’s probably a spam caller,” Zach says, clearing his throat before he silences his phone. “I was thinking that we can make dinner tonight.”

Alex nods.

“You in the mood for anything in particular?”

He shakes his head. “You should just make whatever you like.”

“Come on,” Zach says. “There isn’t anything you want to eat?”

Alex gives it some thought. “How about dumplings then?” he asks, since they’re heading to a Korean supermarket.

Zach hums in agreement. “I know a recipe.”

Once they get to the car, Alex fiddles with the radio dial. A familiar tune plays.

“Huh,” Zach says. “Didn’t they play this song at homecoming?”

“I think so.” Alex remembers because that was the night Alex taught him how to dance. He rests his arm along the windowsill, staring out at the street as they drive by. He regrets that they never had a real dance.

Zach stays quiet for most of the song, but near the end, he starts singing along.Alex shifts around in his seat to watch the other boy. There is a deep, rich tone to his voice, sounding both sad and hopeful at the same time. The other boy doesn’t seem to be aware of Alex’s attention, so Alex lets himself indulge in the sight.

The light is shining on him and the wind is rushing through his hair, blowing it like blades of grass. Alex can’t help but to think that Zach is beautiful. He doesn’t chase away the thought. For just a moment, he lets himself feel the undeniable truth before he buries it along with all of the impossible things he feels for his best friend.

* * *

They pull up into a parking lot at a shopping center. Alex scans the area and sees a boba tea shop. He immediately perks up. “Can we get some tea first?” he asks.

Zach raises his eyebrows at him. “You just had an espresso.”

“I want a milk tea,” he replies, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“You know, you think you put off this ‘don’t fuck with me’ vibe, but really you’re just a doggo that likes treats.”

“Did you just call me a doggo?” Alex gasps, before punching Zach in the arm. The taller boy shakes his head and laughs. When they get out of the car, Zach walks over and throws his arm around Alex’s shoulders.

“Seriously though. How are you so skinny?” Zach says, poking Alex’s gut. Alex rolls his eyes.

When they make it to the shop, there’s a bored looking girl behind the counter who doesn’t bother to look up when they enter. There’s no one else inside, which is not surprising since it’s a weekday morning.

Zach scans the menu board, his arm still around Alex’s shoulders. “One large milk-tea and one small ginger tea, please,” he says.

“Zach,” Alex interrupts, “I can get my own tea.”

“Not today, babe,” Zach says, winking. Alex groans.

The girl looks between the two of them and her eyes go wide for a bit. There’s a slight blush on her face. Alex wants to say something, but then he’s not exactly sure what he would say. He’s not my boyfriend, but I masturbate to the thought of him?

Zach, however, beats him to it. “Don’t worry, you can pay me back tonight.” Alex and the girl splutter at the same time. Zach leans closer to him and whispers into his ear, “hot banter.” Alex hates him so much right now.

Zach hands the girl a card and she takes it and swipes, but doesn’t make eye contact when she hands it back to him. He and Alex make their way over to a table.

Alex looks around the shop and finds that he likes the calming sea green walls. He’s however a bit disturbed by how many inspirational posters are hanging on the wall. It makes the entire place look like a rehab center.

“Nothing worth it is easy,” Zach says, pointing at a frame behind him. 

Alex scoffs. “That sounds like what someone says to justify a shitty situation.”

“Sometimes when someone’s in a shitty situation, they need to believe that it would be worth it in the end. It gives them something to fight for.”

“Isn’t that just lying to yourself?”

“I think most people would like to think of it as having a positive outlook.”

“But don’t you think hoping for something that you might never have just ends up hurting you more?”

Zach pauses and looks him in the eye. He doesn’t say anything for a full minute. Alex is about to change the conversation when Zach starts to speak. “I don’t think it’s about having what you want. It’s about the wanting. If we stop wanting things, stop hoping, we won’t have anything at all.”

Alex doesn’t know what to say to that. He just clears his throat. Luckily he’s saved from having to say anything when their orders are called out. Zach makes a move to grab them, but Alex stops him. “I’ll grab them.”

He hands Zach his drink and sits down to drink his. When he stabs the straw inside the cup, Alex misses and ends up squirting some of the drink onto himself, making him feel like an utter dumbass. Zach gives him a look before reaching over to grab his cup to stick the straw in. “Thanks,”Alex mutters.

Zach takes a sip of his own drink. Alex says, “I never knew you could drink ginger.”

“You’re missing out. Want to try?” The other boy pushes the drink across the table. Alex nods. The taste is slightly sweet, and a bit spicy. It leaves his mouth warm and full. Alex tries not to think about the fact that he’s sharing Zach’s spit again.

“It’s unexpected.”

“Unexpected good or unexpected bad?” the other boy asks.

“Good. I sort of wish I’d gotten it now.”

Zach looks like he’s planning something. He grabs Alex’s drink and switches it with his own. A grin spreads across Alex’s face. He takes another sip.

* * *

They’re pushing the cart through the snack aisle and Alex can barely contain his excitement. There has to be a gazillion different kinds of snacks. He wants to buy everything, but Zach is guarding the cart.

“Dude, you already got two packs of cookies. You don’t need anymore.”

“But they’re different flavors!”

“Put it back,” Zach says in a stern voice. Alex crosses his arms, but Zach just gives him a look.

“Fine,” Alex says in resignation. “You’re no fun.”

“I’m all the fun,” Zach says as he pushes the cart away from him. They leave the snack aisle and make their way to the produce. Zach is prodding an apple.

“Why are you touching the apples like that?” Alex asks.

“I want to make sure it’s ripe enough for the dumplings.”

“You’re putting apples into the dumpling?” Alex replies, raising his brows.

“How else are you supposed to make apple and chicken dumplings?” Zach replies before tossing him an apple. Alex barely catches it.

“You play sports, you can sing and play instruments, and you can cook?” Alex marveled, “Are you even a real person?”

Zach smiles bashfully, but then becomes all bravado. “I’m also handsome and charming.”

“Geezus Zach, you’re so conceited,” Alex jokes. “But seriously though, it’s really cool you can cook. I don’t even know how to boil water.”

“Are you serious dude?”

“You’ve met my mom. She would never let me into the kitchen, especially not since I fucked up my brain.”

“I’m sure she just doesn’t want you to get hurt.”

Alex sighs. “You’re right, but my family still treats me like I’m fragile. Like I’m about to break apart again. I guess they have a point.”

Zach nudges Alex with his foot. “Come on Alex. You’re not fragile. You’re one of the strongest people I know.” Alex tries to smile, but it just comes out half-hearted.

“It’s true. Your family is just looking out for you because they care.”

“I know!” Alex protests. “But it just feels… it just feels a bit overwhelming, alright? To have them fussing all over me still. I’m an adult now, for fuck’s sake.”

Zach frowns, before rubbing the back of his head. He lets out a breath. “You’re right. And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like that too. I know I was hovering over you after your injury.”

“Oh my god Zach,” Alex groans, but his voice is soft. “If I really minded I would have told you to fuck off.” Alex inches closer to Zach. “And I’m sorry too. For not doing more for you last year when you really needed it. I guess I was afraid of making you feel patronized like I felt when I was a mess.”

“Don’t say that. You helped me out in the end. Made me waste a perfectly good bottle of bourbon, but you saved me.” Zach stops the cart and turns to Alex. “I didn’t exactly make it easy for anyone to help.”

“Why do you do that? You help almost everyone else. Why can’t you ask others for help?”

“I guess maybe when I help out other people, I can forget about my own problems.”

“Is that why you helped me?” Alex asks.

Zach pauses and crosses his arm, back leaning against a frozen display case. “It was part of it. I felt responsible for what happened to Hannah. And I felt responsible for what happened to you. I guess I was dealing with my guilt.”

“Oh,” Alex whispers.

“But,” Zach continues, “somewhere along the way I wasn’t just running away from my own problems.” Zach uncrosses his arm and holds them behind his back. “You were so angry at everything, it was like you had a fire inside of you that scorched anyone who came too close. But even though you were mean to almost everyone, you let me in.”

Alex scrunches his brow. “You came to me because you were running away from your problems, but you stayed because I was nice to you?”

Zach takes a breath. “I stayed because… I was happy around you. You were...” Zach pauses, “you were a friend at a time where I didn’t have many of those.”

Alex nods. “It’s not fair, you know. That you come to me when I need you, but you push me away when you need me.”

The other boy’s face falls. “I didn’t want to bother you when you were busy with other things.”

“You’re an idiot,” Alex says, frowning. “I would have made time for you. That’s what friends are for.”

A sad expression filters across the taller boy’s face. “But you didn’t need me anymore. You had Winston. And after, you had Charlie. There wasn’t exactly a place for me and my mess.”

Alex swallows. “I’m always going to need you. There’s always going to be a place for you, no matter who else is there.” Alex is at a loss for what else to say to Zach. So he does the only thing he can think of and hugs the other boy, burying his face in his chest. It takes a moment before arms encircle him in return. He’s still scared of the immensity of what he feels for Zach, but even if he can’t have more than the other boy’s friendship, he’s happy to have him in his life at all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of angst in this chapter, but I promise you that this story has a happy ending. Also, I think I'm going to draw this story to a close in the next chapter and an epilogue, so you won't have to wait too long for a resolution.

Alex slumps against the fridge, tired from hauling groceries. Zach, however, seems to have limitless energy for this kind of stuff. After he puts away whatever is perishable in the fridge, he starts wiping the cabinets with paper towels and disinfectant.

“What are you doing?” Alex asks.

“Cleaning the cabinets so I can start organizing them.”

“Why?”

Zach raises his eyebrow. “Well if I’m going to be cooking here with you, I’d like to know where my spices are.”

Alex groans. “Oh my god, I thought you were a dad but you’re really a mom.” Zach throws a juice pouch at him.

“I’m taking this,” Alex says as he sticks a straw into the pouch and starts slurping. “Do you need any help?”

“Not really,” Zach replies, “I’m just going to put some stuff away and then wash the kitchenware and utensils. You can chill till I’m done?”

“Uh huh,” Alex says, nodding. “I’m going to take a nap then.” He heads towards his bedroom. Just as he is about to plop himself down on his bed, he notices his phone on the nightstand. The events of the morning rushes back to him, making him feel like he’s just swallowed rocks. “Charlie…” he whispers under his breath. 

He knows he should talk to Charlie and tell him about the kiss, but he’s not even sure where to start. And that’s not to mention what happened afterwards. All he remembers is that he was high on Zach’s touch and his body responded to the sensation of the other boy without much input from his brain. In the self-wallowing that followed, he hastily texted Charlie because he felt like he had done something wrong. But as he spent time with Zach, he almost forgot about the morning because being around the other boy felt so normal to him. There wasn’t any weirdness between them. How can he explain all of that to Charlie? 

But Alex also knows that if there isn’t anything that needs to be said, then there also isn’t anything that needs to be hidden. He makes up his mind to tell Charlie. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm the anxiety that is eating away at his resolve. Just turn the phone on, he tells himself, no matter what is waiting for him. He presses down on the power button until the screen lights up. Checking his notifications, he sees four missed calls from Charlie and a whole string of texts asking if he’s alright. He puts the phone in his pocket and leaves.

“Hey, I’m gonna take a walk. I’ll be back in half an hour-ish?”

Zach stops what he’s doing and faces Alex. “Alright. See you in a bit,” the other boy says before going back to washing the dishes. Alex takes the stairs instead of the elevator, hoping to prolong the time he has before he has to talk to Charlie. Once he’s outside, he doesn’t really know where to go. All he knows is that he didn’t want to have this conversation inside, where Zach could overhear. He weighs his options before deciding on a little park not too far away. On the way there, he bumps into a pedestrian and nearly trips over a curb because he’s too absorbed in thought to notice anything else.

When he gets to the park, he scouts a bench tucked away underneath a tree that overlooks a small man-made pond. There are ducks swimming around and joggers running by, but for the most part, he’s alone. He slouches into the bench, his head thrown backwards and his eyes focused on the clouds passing by. He sits there for a few minutes before he finally musters the courage to take out his phone and hit the call button. The ringtone on the other end doesn’t play for long before Charlie picks up.

“Alex!” Charlie says. “Are you alright?”

“Hi,” he says. “Yeah, I’m okay. How are you?”

“How am I? Well, I got a text from you saying you needed to talk to me and then you wouldn’t pick up or answer my texts,” he replies with a frantic edge to his voice.

“I’m sorry. My phone was low on battery, so I left it behind to charge.” While that was technically true, it wasn’t the real reason why Alex left the phone behind.

“Dude…” Charlie says with a deflated voice. “I almost called the police. I almost drove up to find you myself.”

“Geezus… I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Charlie sighs. “It’s alright. It’s just that Zach wasn’t picking up either. But then again, I don’t think he has my number.”

“Yeah,” Alex replies. “He said he was getting spam calls. I guess it was coming from you?”

Charlie laughs. “So,” the other boy says. “What did you need to talk to me about?”

Alex’s chest constricts and his breath becomes shallow. He doesn’t know what to say, and he doesn’t want to say anything at all. But Charlie deserves honesty. “I don’t want you to freak out, but Zach and I kissed.”

There’s a long pause on the other end. “You kissed him? Other than the one time?”

“Well, it was more like he kissed me.”

“Zach kissed you?”

“I know it doesn’t sound believable, but he didn’t do it on purpose. It was an accident.”

“What do you mean it was an accident? How do you kiss someone by accident?” Alex can hear the disbelief in Charlie’s voice, in addition to an undercurrent of jealousy and hurt. Alex chews on his fingernails.

“He said he was having a dream and didn’t know it was me.”

Charlie takes a deep breath before exhaling. “This is… this is a lot to take in. But if you say it wasn’t on purpose, I believe you.” Charlie pauses before continuing. “Is that all you wanted to talk to me about?”

“Yeah, but I... ” Alex replies. “I kissed him back.”

There’s another long pause from Charlie. Alex freezes, his skin growing cold as if someone threw a bucket of ice on him. “Charlie…”

Charlie’s breathing becomes more haggard. “Did you like it?”

He doesn’t want to hurt Charlie, he really doesn’t. The other boy has been nothing but kind to him. But Alex can’t deny the truth of what he felt when Zach’s lips grazed his either. “I …” He can’t get the words out. Tears are welling up on the corners of his eyes. 

On the other end, he hears a bitter laugh. “I think I got my answer,” Charlie says.

“I’m sorry,” Alex pleads. “I didn’t mean to.”

Charlie scoffs. “You didn’t mean to do what exactly? Kiss Zach back? Or like it?” There’s a sharp edge to his words, but Alex knows the other boy doesn’t mean to wound. “For fuck’s sake, Alex. It hasn’t even been two days since I last saw you and you’re already kissing Zach? Is that all you two did?”

Alex feels his chest crumble. He’s too much of a yellowbelly to tell Charlie that he jerked off to the memory of Zach’s touch and smell. Instead, he pulls his leg up onto the bench, hugging his knee close to his chest in an attempt to make himself smaller. “I didn’t mean to hurt you” he pleads.

“I know…” Charlie replies, and despite the pain in his voice, his words are soft. That is just like Charlie to be kind to Alex even when he fucks up. It only makes Alex feel worse.

“But isn’t that the point?” Charlie continues. “You don’t want to hurt me. Everything you’ve done for me is because you didn’t want to hurt me. That’s really not the same as love, is it?”

“I do love you,” Alex protests. And he really does. He loves his smile. He loves how kind he is. He loves the way he makes him feel wanted.

Charlie laughs without any warmth again. “I think... I think you want to love me, because it would be easier for you to love me than for you to love Zach.”

“That’s not true!” Alex yells, but he’s not so convinced by himself. If he could stop the love he feels for Zach and just put all of his effort into loving Charlie, he’s not so sure he would choose that option.

“I’ve known since the moment you told me you kissed him on the rooftop.”

Alex is hurt that Charlie would bring up that moment to use against him. “I told you that it was a disaster!”

“Why was it a disaster?” Charlie replies, raising his voice. “Because Zach didn’t reciprocate?”

Alex bites his lips. “Yes! It was awkward and messy and Zach didn’t reciprocate!”

Charlie yells back, “And what would you have done if he did!”

“Why does it matter? He didn’t reciprocate okay. He doesn’t like me like that.” Alex is hyperventilating now.

“But you like him like that, don’t you?”

Tears are flowing freely down his face. “Stop,” he begs. Stop reminding him of what he can’t have. “Why does it matter how I like him if he doesn’t like me back?”

Alex hears sniffing on the other end. “Charlie…?”

“Look, I get it,” the other boy says. “I know how it feels to carry a torch for someone who won’t commit to you.”

Alex wipes his cheeks. “That’s not fair. I did open up my heart to you.”

“Alex…” the other boy whispers. “I know you love me. But I’m always going to come second to Zach, aren’t I?”

“It’s just a fucking crush on my straight best friend, alright?” Alex yells, angry at Charlie and himself. “Nothing is going to come out from it. I’ll get over it.”

For a moment, Charlie doesn’t say anything. But soon enough, the sound of Charlie’s sobs punctuates the silence. “You got to give me some credit. I see the way you look at him… and I thought I could wait for you to get over him. But you can’t get over someone who’s not over you either.”

Alex chokes. “That’s not true. Zach turned me down, remember? He doesn’t like me like that.”

“Come on Alex. I know you’re smarter than that. You can keep telling yourself that Zach turned you down, that there’s not going to be anything between the two of you. You can keep tip-toeing around each other, but you’re just going to end up repeating the same song and dance. And I don’t want to feel like a fool the next time you two end up kissing again.”

Charlie’s words pierces Alex’s skin. “I wouldn’t do that to you. Geezus! I know how much it hurts to be cheated on.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. I trust you, of course I do. But you’re not the only one in this, alright? Zach’s going to figure it out sooner or later that you still like him. And if he’s smart, he’ll do everything it takes to be with you. I wouldn’t even blame him for it.”

“So that’s it?” Alex cries. “You’re breaking up with me? I’m not even worth fighting for?”

“Of course you are. But I’ve lost the fight before it even began. Can you honestly tell me that if Zach reciprocated, that you would have given me a second thought?”

Alex doesn’t have to ponder Charlie’s question. He knows the answer even without thinking about it.

“I’m so sorry Charlie,” he sobs. “I never meant to drag you into my fucking mess.”

“Don’t apologize,” Charlie says, his voice tinged with pain. “This is what happens when you put your heart on the line. I knew I was swimming against the current, but I just wanted a shot with you. And I know I came on strong. I just looked at you and saw everything I ever wanted. You were so nice even though you pretended not to be. You were so brave even though you had every reason to be scared. And you were so fucking beautiful...” 

Alex can’t deny how good Charlie has been to him. From their first kiss after the drill to their dance at prom, Charlie made Alex feel wanted in a way he hadn’t felt for a long time. As much as he wanted to accept the other boy’s love, he knows it wasn’t fair to expect him to fill the space in his heart that Zach carved out. Charlie deserves so much better than what he could give him. “I’m sorry for putting you through this…” he manages to say.

“This is for the best, you know? I just want you to be happy and I don’t think you can be happy if you’re holding yourself back because of me. I don’t want us to stop talking. I don’t want you to become a stranger. But I need some time...”

“Yeah,” he whispers.

“I’ll call you, Alex,” Charlie says before hanging up. Alex buries his head in his knees and sits on the bench until his limbs ache as much as his heart.

* * *

When Alex makes it back to the apartment, he’s greeted by a clean kitchen and a smiling Zach. The other boy is holding his hands out in a ta-da gesture, motioning to the space around them. “I’m a miracle worker, aren’t I?” he says, before he notices Alex’s red and swollen eyes.

“Dude, you look like crap. Are you alright?” Zach asks, brows drawn together in concern.

Alex gives him a lopsided smile. He doesn’t want to tell the other boy about Charlie just yet. “Yep, just allergies.” He sniffs.

“I have some benadryl in my duffel bag if you need it.”

“I think I’m good,” Alex replies, wiping his nose with the back of his arm. “The kitchen looks good.”

Zach’s face shifts back into a smile. “I worked out a great system. All the spices are in the cabinet right above the stove for easy access. I installed hooks for the pots and pans. And lastly, all the snacks are above the cabinets, so if you wanted them, you’re gonna have to work for them.”

Alex breaks into a real smile this time. “Oh my god Zach, just let me have my snacks.”

“You know what’s great about it?  _ I  _ can reach for them any time,” Zach smirks. Alex gives him his best glare, but the effort is lost on the smiling boy.

Zach slings his arm over Alex’s shoulders and leads him over to the couch. “Hey, you’ll never guess what happened. I got a call from Winston.”

Alex scrunches his brow. “What? Why?”

“Well, it turns out he’s my new roommate.”

Alex’s eyes go wide. “How?”

“He told me he’s doing a dual degree in music composition at the College of Music and cinematography at San Francisco State.”

Alex nods. While he thinks he and Winston left off on a conciliatory note, he still feels uneasy about him. “Do you think he’s up to something? It can’t be a coincidence that he’s rooming with you.”

Zach rubs the back of his head. “That’s what I thought at first too.” Zach sighs. “He told me he requested me as a roommate because I was a familiar face. I don’t think his intentions are bad.”

“How do you know?” Alex asks.

“I don’t know man. It’s just that during the active shooter drill, we were together in the photography classroom. We kind of had a heart-to-heart.”

Alex raises a brow. “You never told me. What did you guys talk about?”

A blush creeps up the side of Zach’s neck. He coughs. “Uh, just stuff we wanted to get off our chests. Just things we wanted to say to people in case we didn’t make it.”

Alex shifts his weight into the couch, leaning back into it. “You know I thought about you, right? I was having auditory hallucinations about my dad in the hallway and went into a full panic. I wanted you to be there to help me get through it, like you always did.”

Zach’s face grimaces in pain. “Fuck Alex. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

Alex gives him a half-hearted smile. “It’s okay. I had… I mean, Charlie was there to help. He had me do breathing exercises.”

A flinch flickers across Zach’s face before he tilts his head down. “I should have been there with you. Not just during the drill. I shouldn’t have pulled away.”

Alex reaches out and gives Zach’s hand a gentle squeeze. “We talked about this already. Both of us could have put in more effort to be there.”

“Yeah,” Zach replies, “but… but I don’t know what I would have done if you were gone you know. I wasn’t avoiding you, exactly, but to be honest, I was uncomfortable being around you after you kissed me.”

Alex tenses up. 

“Not in like a homophobic way, because come on dude I’m a modern guy,” Zach protests. “We just never talked about it and I didn’t know why you did it.” 

“But you acted like it wasn’t a big deal. You even made me hang out with you for the rest of the night even though I couldn’t make eye contact with you.”

Zach lets out a nervous laugh. “I was afraid that if I let you go, you’d never talk to me again.” Alex sighs. The other boy has a point. If he hadn’t made him stay, Alex would have run away and hidden from him.

“So, what did Winston say to you?” he asks the taller boy.

“Nothing that you don’t already know. Just that he loved you.”

“Oh.” Alex shifts around uncomfortably on his feet.

“And also that you were the first boy he fell in love with.”

Alex sighs. “I don’t know how he could have loved me. He barely knew me.”

“Alright, you might have a point. It seems like Winston does fall in love easily.”

“Yeah, we went out on one date at a bowling alley.”

“You mean he fell in love with you at first strike?” Alex groans and Zach breaks out in laughter.

“You’re such a dork, Dempsey.”

When the laughter dies down, Zach turns towards him. “Did you love him too?

Alex ponders the question. “I think I really liked him. He let me figure things out at my own pace. And he wasn’t bad looking.”

Zach laughs. “Who woulda thunk it? You’re a bit shallow.”

“Shut up. Even you have to admit he’s cute.”

Zach snorts. “No. Why would I?”

Alex rolls his eyes. “Come on dude. Soft, curly brown hair and pretty hazel eyes?”

Zach smirks. “I’ve seen better.”

“Yeah, who?” Alex asks.

Zach blushes and clears his throat. “Not gonna tell you.” Alex crosses his arms and directs a half-hearted glare towards Zach.

“Hey,” Zach says, face turning serious. “Was he the first guy you fell for?”

Alex wants to bury his face in the couch cushion. “Not exactly,” he admits.

Zach raises an eyebrow. “I don’t want to make this weird or anything, but was it… was it me?” Alex’s head jerks so fast he nearly gets whiplash. Zach holds his hands up in a placating gesture. “Hey, it’s cool. I just figured from the kiss that you might.”

Alex shrugs. “I didn’t know until I kissed you.”

Zach gives him a smile, but his eyes are sad. “Isn’t life funny that way? We don’t really know what we feel until something happens that makes us confront it.”

Alex looks over at Zach. He wants to ask him about something that has been eating away at him since the night on the roof. “Did you feel anything when I kissed you?”

He watches the other boy struggle to form words, his mouth opening and closing multiple times before he finally pushes through. “Yeah,” Zach mutters. “It was, um, nice.”

“Just nice?” Alex probes.

“Honestly, when you kissed me, there wasn’t a lot of thinking involved. I was caught off guard. But after, it raised a lot of questions.”

“Oh…” Alex says, uncertain about where the other boy was going with this.

Zach sighs. “When Winston said he loved you, I asked him what it was about you that made him feel that way. He said it was because you’re one of the nicest people he’s ever met, and that you never judge anyone.”

“That’s not entirely true.”

“It’s close enough to the truth,” the other boy says. “And it made me realize that the reason the kiss was nice was because it was with you.” Alex feels the air sucked out of his lungs. Zach continues, “Not like, because I was in love with you or anything.”

Alex tries to smile, but he’s not sure how much of the disappointment he feels shows through. “I know what you mean.” Zach tenses and avoids looking into Alex’s eyes. He looks like he has words on the tip of his tongue, but he doesn’t say anything.

Alex doesn’t push, uncertain whether he even wants to know what the other boy has to say. Despite what Charlie said, he doesn’t think Zach will love him any other way than as a friend. “Alright, so enough about what Winston told you. What about what you told him?”

The sadness is back on Zach’s face. He swallows. “Remember I told you that I admitted what I did to Winston?”

Alex nods.

“I told him that if I didn’t make it out, to give my apology to Mrs. Walker.” Zach’s breath is getting shallower and a film of moisture forms over his eyes.

Alex inhales. “I think about asking for her forgiveness too. And if it were just me on the line, I would have. But I’m not sure if I can ask for forgiveness if I don’t really mean it. I won’t pretend that if it came down to saving you again, I wouldn’t have done the same thing over again.” He’s had a lot of time to think about what he did, and he’s trying to make peace with the fact that he will never find forgiveness. All he can do now is carry the weight with him for the rest of his life.

Zach reaches over and grabs Alex’s hand, giving it a light squeeze. “You did what you did for me. If I hadn’t beaten Bryce to a pulp and broken his leg, you wouldn’t be in this situation.”

Alex laughs, a bitter taste in his mouth. “And if Bryce hadn’t broken your leg and if he hadn’t assaulted Hannah, you’d still be playing football and I wouldn’t have a hole in my skull. Let’s face it, Bryce didn’t deserve to die. But we didn’t deserve to have our lives fucked over because he’s a sociopath either.”

Zach nods, slowly inching himself towards Alex. “In a fucked up way, I’m not sure if I would have done anything different either.” He looks into Alex’s eyes. “If none of this happened, I don’t think I would have been your friend.”

“We hung out before.”

“Yeah, but we didn’t get close. We didn’t have to get close until your injury.”

Alex lets out a slow breath. “Yeah.” Alex gets up from the couch to grab a beer out of the fridge. He tosses Zach one and jumps up on the counter to sit. They both take a swig. “Like Jess said, we’re better together than apart.”

“To us,” Zach toasts.

“To us,” Alex replies, wishing the words mean more than what the other boy intended.


End file.
